Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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