I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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