I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
