the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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