And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
