I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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