if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
