she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
