i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
