captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
