R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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