Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
