I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
