I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
