This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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