Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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