I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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