god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
