are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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