You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
