Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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