I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
