Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
