I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
