my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
