You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
