Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
