She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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