The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
