Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
