It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
