I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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