Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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