3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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