OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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