You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I didn't notice because vodka
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
