I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
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and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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