Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
