theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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