the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
