well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
