she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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