I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
