It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
tell me about the eggs
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
