I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
