I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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