true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How does one acquire holy water?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
