i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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