Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
