For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
this will be a night to untag.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
