did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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