if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
