If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
