we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
