My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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