U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
