I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
