we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
