So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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