i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
