I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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