Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
